Can't wait until finals are over.

I got a ton of new projects to start.... Monica projects.

I'm just waiting for Wenesday night.... this will all be over!!

I just came to the sad realization that I really miss my dad...

But then I think about all the shit that he did and allthe crap that's been going on.. and I'm just left with a confused feeling...

I didn't think it was possible to feel this shitty....

Getting dissed sucks ass... but I never thought it would happen like this....

Ugh... I hate her....

But mostly I think I hate myself

I've faced some pressures before in my life, but somehow I've managed to pull through. But now I wonder just how much it too much. I've had this pressure over my head for awhile now, but something finally something just made it go overboard.

I've never felt like I didn't have a way out. I never felt this trapped before. I have never looked at the situation and just not seen a way out. And never have I felt more alone in dealing it all. I've been surrounded by people in the last few days and still felt so alone. All I wanted this weekend was to be alone for awhile and just think. And now that I finally got it, I realize that I'm terribly alone. All I want to is tell someone all the stiff that's going on, all the stuff occupying my thoughts and at this same time I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone.

I love having visitors any time any day. Being surrounded by people has always made me happy. But now... I don't even know where I want to be. I love this aparment so much. It has meant so much for my life, my first effort at having something all my own, my first attempt to break away, the first place where I could truly do what I want and be who I want to be. But lately all I've wanted to do is leave. But I don't know where it is that I want to go. I definitely don't want to go back home to my family, they have a different place in my life now, and that is not a place that I can call home anymore. In fact now that I think about it, I never really could call that place home, since we lost the house the only place that I could call home is this apartment. Although there are still times when I think I'm not allowed to call this place home by other parties.

I feel terrible about my mom having to give up her car to my dad. I feel even worse about not being able to help her out in any way. I'm angry that my dad allowed all of this to happen and doesn't seem to give a shit. I'm upset that my car needs repair and I don't have the money to pay for it. I hate that the easiest solution to that problem is to call my dad and ask him to come and fix it, but I can't do that. I said I never wanted to speak to him ever again, and I'm realizing now why I said that. I've talked to a few people about it, and they've all said the same thing.

Everyone's pretty much told me the same thing. He is your father and he has a certain obgligation to help you. He has done so much worse to you, you asking him to do this for is nothing. Basically.. he owes you!

This seriously makes me saddest of all. In my mind, helping someone is one of the best ways to show someone how much you care. Personally, helping people I care about is the best thing that I think that I can do for them. That I have the ability to help someone I love and care about, that to me is a priviledge. There are people in this world that I would give my life for if it meant I could help them. So it absolutely breaks my heart to think that someone is obligated to help me, that someone is forced to help me, that nobody wants to help me just out of their love for me. That they have to have some sort of debt to someone in order for them to help me. In fact, at this moment I can't think of a person that would be willing to help me the way I would help them.

Maybe I'm not all that I think I am. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm worth it. Maybe the fact that I don't have the things that I deserved, maybe the fact that I don't get what I give in return, maybe it doesn't mean that I just haven't found it. Maybe I haven't found it because I don't deserve it. Maybe I was inflating my own worth.

It was one of those nights where my brain decided to work over time and make me dream a thousand different things. And I literally mean a thousand different things, last night I dreamed so many different scenarios and they all didn't necessarily connect... but they were all interesting, I guess...

1.) I planned a dinner with some friends. It was one of those restaurants that I didn't know if everyone would like. I was nervous the whole time. It ended up bring a great success. Apparently in the dream I had some sort of work connection with the restaurant, apparently I had great responsibilty in the opening of the restaurant. Anyways at some point Oprah comes in (because apparently she has some sort of connection to the company that I work for) and loves my work and offers me this AMAZING job. But there's this bitch in the group who apparently wanted the job that I was offered. And me, being the spineless ninny that I am, tell Oprah "are you sure that Joanna wouldn't be better suited for the job?" Sigh.... I'm always so self-doubtful. But Oprah doesn't hear me because she's to busy being Oprah. So I get the job.

2.) So I get up from the table to go outside to get some air because hello... OPRAH JUST OFFERED ME THE GREATEST JOB EVER!! And this certain boy who was at the table gets up and follows me outside. Tells me he love me...blah blah blah... same old shit. I say no because I refuse to be the other woman since I know that he's in a relationship... we kiss... we leave... that kiss was... wow...

3.) Me and said boy are in a store in the baby stuff. We can't agree on a crib/bedding pattern. I'm not sure if we were just browsing or shopping for a real baby. Either way... it's not going to work and it's obvious.

4.) I'm living in my current apartment. I'm actually quite happy with my relationship status. Me and the boy (although it's never clear who my boyfriend is in this part of the dream, since he doesn't make an appearance, and his name isn't mentioned) are getting along divinely. For some random reason my mother is over at the apartment and is asking me to do things. And no matter how well I do things she goes on telling her friend that I'm useless and don't know how to do things right.

5.) Throughout all these dreams I keep hearing that John McCain has been elected president and that Obama is no longer president. Something about the ballots or the votes. For some random reason I keep thinking that this is happening in real life and I want to get out of bed and go to the livingroom and watch the TV just to see if it's true. This really freaked me out because even though I knew I was sleeping, I still felt like this was happening in real life and wanted to get out of bed and check just in case. I think it's because the TV was on in the livingroom all night so I was receiving a steady dose of news-like talk while I was sleeping. But anyways I did really believe that they had taken the presidency away from Obama, and I was mightly upset that they did.

Dreams...sometimes they freak me the shit out.

I'm determined to make life work.

These last few days have been sad for me and I don't know why. I was doing so well, and then... bam.... bad feelings are overwhelming.... keeping me up not letting me sleep.

Example: Having a good day yesterday. I get one phone call. No bad news in particulat... and yet I still feel like crying.

I think it's beginning to hurt more now. I feel it all the time. And I feel like a damn fool.

The lengths that I go to keep the lie alive in my head, when I soooo know that it is a lie. Even I don't believe it anymore.

On a positive note I had an AMAZING 22nd birthday. The celebrations were as follows:

- Friday: The Besties took me to Knotts for one of those late night thingies. Had tooons of fun riding the rides and hanging out with fun people <3 Lina and Cheeeeeeeelo <3

-Saturday: Dinner with the Besties and the friends from Riverside. Anytime is a good time to hang out with Sabino and I'm always happy to see Hector. I came to some personal realizations, but now is not the time.

-Sunday: Birthday BBQ at the substitute folks. SO much fun. Good food, good times. Too bad I had to write a paper. But oh well... I got to avoid small talk.

-Monday: At midnight roomie sings me Happy Birthday with a slice of cake, candles and some really fruity bubbly wine... He called t something else... some fancy name. Basically apple cider with alcohol...except it was peach... lol. I LOVE greetings at midnight!!! Sister and the Besties remembered that.

-Tuesday (My actual birthday): Surprise gifts from the Roomie (VS, JOHN WILLIAMS!!! and a little dog that FLIPS!!!), surprise visit from the family. Mother cooked dinner and brought a cake. It was nice, it was akward. I always feel like mother is judging when she comes to my apartment. And according to my sister... she is... I guess she'll never accept the fact that I live outside her home. She hated my life in the dorms and she hates my life here. Whatever. I love it here.

-Saturday: End of Birthday week. Dinner with friends at Pink Taco. The boys from Riverside, Diane, Besties and Roomie. I had a blast. Excellent drinks and good fun. I throughly enjoyed that restaurant. No after dinner drinks with friends because we were in someone else's car. Roomie suggested we walk a few blocks down the street to a bar. We did... so much fun. We got really drunk. Hahaha... I spent so much money. We defintely drank more than we realized until we counted the drinks the next day. Dance with no dancefloor and drew an audience. Once again made friends with the bartender who would reply to ouR drink orders with a happy "HELL YAH!!" The walk home... classic... Got a bit weepy at the end of the night... but that was expected.


I loved hanging out with my friends. They are truly awesome people. I just wish I could feel that happy all the time. Sometimes I wonder what is truly wrong. And then I think about it... and deep down... I think I know why.... sucks to be me...

Because essentially I am a dumdass and I fail at life.

For a little posting....

Things I want:
-Ryo Nikishido mood theme... that I know how to use
-A ton of Movie scores/soundtracks
-A prettier MySpace page
-Some sleeeeeeeeeeeep
-A turkey sandwich... right nao!
-A man.... well.... no.... wait... yah... haha
-Clubbing night
-Drunk Clubbing Night
-Latin Clubbing Night
-Earings
-A purse... of course... hahaha
-Crab meat for nigiri.... yum
-To decide on a new drama to watch... 1 Litre just left me without emotion.
-See something live... music preferably
-A man who smiles
-A haircut... and a straightner
-Watch Bleach and Full Metal.... for a day....
-Go to the beach... to sit...and snuggle... hahaha
-Go to the Getty
-Go to the Huntington Botanical Gardens
-Go to the Griffith Park Observatory
-Go to the zoo
-Find a man to do all this shit with. But I guess the buddies will do
-See things for what they are
-Stop holding on
-Bake a cake with frosting
-Wash my car

....The end.....

Oh and this video is PURE BRILLIANCE!!!

Who motivates their child through insults and put-downs?

My mother does....

I swear I'm never coming back, ever again.

Whenever I get down and depressed and feel like the world is just giving me too much to handle I always feel like coming home thinking that I'll find comfort and refuge here. But everytime I come home I'm reminded of how false that hope is.

But that applies to a lot of things in my life. I clearly see the truth, but when it comes to making a decision I always go back to the old one, the one that I know is going to burn me. I always pick the road that I've been down, hoping that this time things are going to turn out differently, that things are going to finally happen the way that I hope they will.

I guess I'm just a fool, thinking that things will be as I hope them to be. I never want to face the harsh reality.

Home isn't as comforting as I think it is on those lonely days in the apartment. I know that my family loves me and I definitely love them, but I guess when I'm away from home I just have this image in my head of what home is like. But it's not as great as I think.

Insults are her choice for motivating words... and they have been all my life. You would think after 21 years of using insults as motivation and having them not work, she would learn a new method of motivation.... but no.... I guess the inability to learn from the past runs in the family

I swear if I get one more motivating speech from my mother, I'm going to have to kill myself.

So I wake up this morning to find an interesting piece of news.

Daddy Yankee has endorsed John McCain.

I don't know what's weirder. The fact that Daddy Yankee is even considered important enough to endorse a candidate. Or the McCain's campaign song could potentially be Gasolina.

Does that mean that McCain is gonna have those music video hos at all his rallies?

I'll never look at the Daddy the same again.

So this past week was absolutely exhausting. All I kept looking forward to was the weekend and how I was going to be able to just rest and be alone. Gary was goin camping this weekend and I managed to get away from my family. Not that I don't love them all, but sometimes the idea of just baing alone in the apartment is sooo soothing. Relaxing, having to answer to no one.

That was the original plan. Sleep, read, eat, listen to music and clean a bit.

Yah.... that didn't happen.

Frank wanted to hang out Friday night. Have a sorta night in. At fist I was like no. But then I realized that I'm always complaining about how my friends never want to hang out with me, so I changed my mind and agreed. Good? Yah it ended up being a lot of fun. Bad? Yah I ended u spening money I didn't intend to and didn't do laundry or sleep.

So here's what happened. HE came over. We ended up going back our for frozen yogurt.... yummmmmm. We ended up spending the night just talking about everything and anything while the Hills was playing in the background. At some point he gets a phone call. His friend had been held up at gunpoint at work. DRAMA. Sp we go pick her up and end up driving to a Norms to sit and chat. It was a lot of fun, except for the armed robbery. Ended up getting home at 4:30 am... so much for sleeping.

Sunday morning I slept really late. Exhausting week + no sleep the night before = Monica sleeping till noon. Eventuall got up and got ready. I had to drive all the way to Panorama City to pick up a book that i bought from some guy on eBay. I couldn't wait for it to be shipped so u offered to pick it up. I HATE driving on the 405 past UCLA because there's this section that is deathly downhill and scary. But I went and got the stupid book so I can read for tommorow. That was it. I accomplished nothing else the rest of the day. Ended up staying up till 4 am again because I got to thinking.

Woke up today past noon again and have yet to accomplish anything. I need to finish my paper and read and study. I should start instead of being here writing.

I'm watching j-Doroma called 1 Litre of Tears. It's the saddest thing ever. I watched 2 episodes and cried through both. That show has made me think soooo much, but all those thoughts deserve their own entry.

An earthquake post seems appropriate since it comes with a funny story.

I would be the one to emerge with a funny story while others are afraid and cleaning up broken bottles of liquor and cleaning up that ONE pile of bricks that fell....

sheesh... the media blew things WAY out of proportion.

So I had decided to take a personal day yesterday (and by personal day I mean decided to skip all my responsibilities on account of my crippling depression... but that's another post.)

Soooooooo... I was sitting on the couch in the livingroom typing away with Matsumoto (the VAIO lappy) and then I feel it. At first it was like a slow shake then like waves. Anyways after I realized that it was an earthquake I get up and head to the hallway because I want to hold on to a wall because I felt really dizzy and weak at the knees and because the roomie was taking a shower. The shaking didn't stop, but I didn't hear the roomie say anything. I was standing by the bathroom now, questioning whether I had just lived throguh an earthquake or whether my sense of equilibrium and balance was SEVERLY messed up. I've been randomly dizzy before and now I was thinking it was getting worse.

Eventually the shaking stops and I realize that it was an earthquake because I see my neighbors outside on the phone talking about said earthquake. The shower continues running, not a peep from Gary. Eventually he comes out of the bathroom and I asked him if he felt it. He says yes.

I'm like.... then why didn't you say something?!?!?!?!

His response: The shaking stopped and the water didn't shut off so I decided to finish my shower.

Ok I have to admit, that was a pretty hilarious response. Although I did stress that normal people do come out of the shower when the earth shakes.

Things could have been worse. Luckily I was at home and not alone. Mother was freaking out because it was the first natural "disaster" (although I prefer natural occurence since the earthquake wasn't that big) where the whole family was seperated. I was in mah apartment in LA, Kathy was in the hospital in Santa Monica, Bryan was with Substitute family in West Covina and Mother was driving in Santa Fe Springs.

I told her that as time goes by we're only going to be further apart everyday. I think that made her sad.

All in all nothing happened. I was frustrated when I couldn't get a call out from my cell phone and I really wished I had a wall phone. I know that we have a land line (for the DSL) but no phone to hook into it. Maybe I should get a cheapy old non electric phone for emergencies. But no one has this number... I don't even know it.

After the quake I hung out with Diane Sancheeeez. Went to Pinkberry for the first time... YummmMmMMmM!!! Frozen yogurt with fresh strawberries, mangos and kiwi... where have you been all my life?

And we went dollar/asian shopping. I bought lots of supplies for bento lunches for like 10 bucks (when I know people who have spent way way WAY more on eBay for the same stuff... but I think it's because they're off in some weird part of the country or world) And I found cute little dishes for soy sauce for when I make sushi rolls (3 for a dollah!!!!)

Drama with the fat man. No need to get into that insanity.

Went to see some counselors today. Good stuff. Stressful stuff. Eye opening stuff. Stuff for progress. All hope is not lost.

I think my sister comes home either tommorow or Friday. Yay

Have a final tommorow that I should be studying for right nao.... so I think I will.

Come to the apartment after a lovely weekend. (I feel weird saying MY apartment, since the roomie is back and it is OUR apartment... hahaha)

Anyhoo, sister turned 18 today. Yay sister! Although it wasn't the most active of birthday parties since she is recovering from surgery

**Quick sister update. About 3 weeks ago she had surgery where she had about a 10 inch incision across her hip, had her leg dislocated from her hip, bones reshaped to fit better, put back together and had 2 GIANT bolts put in so it will all heal in place. Everything went smoothly, no complications and now begins the recovery**

So yah, the best of the best showed up for the shindig. No drama+Porto's cake=WIN!!!

We have this family friend who is like the funniest person EVAR!!! God he makes me laugh...

Everyone chunti-gambled (meaning they played loteria *Brown people bingo* and some game with a dreidel...except NOT Jewish...hahahaha) I lost all the change in my fat little coin purse...*GURGLES* That is why I DON'T gamble... hahaha I LOVE having change at all times. Now I only have 3 pennies... *sad*

I had so much fun this weekend. Just relaxing with my family, watching all kinds of movies, catching up my relatives with my life. My "uncle" (he's not really my uncle by blood or marriage but I love that guy) has displayed great interest in my life and that makes me feel special and interesting. It's nice talking to an older father-like figure in a relaxed setting like that, I'm gonna go to him with all my girly daughter problems now. Since he never had a daughter (only 2 sons) I'm sure he'll love the challenge!

But on Saturday I had the CRAZIEST dream! And it went a little something like this ->

So in the dream I was just a little bit..... pregnant.... hahahaha

The baby daddee? Well I'll keep that bit to myself... haha. But's that's not important anyways. Sperm is sperm... hahaha

But yah, I told mother about the future grandchild. She was actually really really excited!!! Her and Auntie went all grandbaby crazy and went madly shopping for everything the tot would need. Um, she kind of forgot all about me in the frenzy... and the fact that I was an unwed young mother to be... hahaha... she got the grandma fever. She asked who the Baby Daddee be... I told her I would tell her later, after I told him (but really I didn't wanna tell her because I knew she would be PISSED when she found out it was HIM.....hahaha she just does not like him...) But during the whole dream I was contemplating having an abortion. I just had so much going on in my life and wasn't sure if it was alright to have the baby. Plus the baby was kind of the product of a crazy drunken night with the guy and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Oh yah and my dad was totally disapointed throughout the entire dream, whatever Fat Man.

The part that freaked me out the most was the whole abortion thing. I had never given the subject much thought since the topic of abortion has never really affected my life. But I just kept wodering how I would react if this situation were to arise. I know that I am definitely not in the place in life to have a baby and when I do have one I would like for it to come into a stable, established family, not into a life of an indecisive college student who still prefers a Hot Pocket to a cooked meal (not for taste but for cooking convenience)

It cracked me up how my mom and Auntie got all crazy excited in the dream and didn't have time to lecture me on my sex-crazed irresponsibility... it was cute. Too bad Mother and Auntie won't get to be Grandma's at the same time in real life since Auntie has 2 grandbabies already and I am nowhere near ready to have children, so mother is gonna have to wait aWHILE! Mother still talks about how she and Auntie could have been Grannies at the same time if I had just gotten with whats-his-face.... Ummm mom? The guy may not be related to me by blood, but that kid is the closest thing I have to an older brother.... it would have been weird... hahahah mothers....

Although I'm not sure why I'm thinking about babies so much... ummm I need a MAN first....

Shoot I don't even want kids... hahaha... I blame all the pre-menopausal women in my life who get all sappy when they see a baby... they were all over the place this weekend. And since it was my sister's birthday, they all decided to remind themselves of how old I am and why I'm not "settling down"

Ummmmmmmmmm I don't settle down bc I'm awesome and trying to make something of my life.

...all my cousins with the cute kids... they're dumbasses....high school is not an accomplishment ladies... it's a small step in a bigger picture....

Am I the only one who thinks this?

Anyways...weekend=good

Random

Ten Random Things About Me
10. I've always wanted to be a part of an orchestra... in the strings section. Violin or cello.
9. I love playing board games. Any day any time.
8. Dancing is the best thing EVAR!!!
7. Guys make me really happy. Like guy stuff...manly features. Haha. Hands, feet, arms, legs.
6. Please rub my head to make me feel better. Or brush my hair.
5. I always have to use the stall next to the wall in a public restroom. And I will wait for it. I can't be between two stalls or use the big handicap one.
4. The only thing I've ever won is gift certificates for Aquafina
3. I will always start a story with "The other day" even if it was years ago.
2. I name EVERYTHING! Everything must have a name. Ex. Car = Ms. Lopez. Phone = Storm Trooper. Laptop = Matsumoto etc etc.
1. I get vertigo...often... but I don't mind. It makes me feel special.

Nine Ways To Win My Heart
9. Dance and love it. DOn't make me beg to get you on the dance floor.
8. Hold my hand
7. Tell me I look nice. I never think I do, but I will believe it when you say it.
6. Buy me random things. It doesn't have to be expensive, I love things from the dollar store.
5. Know where we are, because I will always get lost.
4. Love and get along with kids, but don't expect a family from me.
3. Help me cook in the kitchen. Cooking is fun.
2. Get along with my mother. She's awesome.
1. Smile and take care of that smile

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die
8. Travel to a popular place (Paris, London, Tokyo, Sydney etc.)
7. Travel somewhere completely out of the blue (Like Uruguay)
6. Find the perfect haircut
5. Have a random fling with a foreigner (while I'm not in a relationship of course)
4. Become the ultimate prankster
3. Learn to cook INCREDIBLY
2. Lose my uptightedness...
1. Learn at least 3 more languages

Seven Ways To Annoy Me
7. Racists
6. Impatient people...shit just relax!
5. Not being able to find my shoes/keys/debit card/chapstick
4. Blinker is on...and not switching lanes
3. Dumb rich kids with no real worries.
2. People who bitch when their problems aren't real. Wait till you see the real world fuckers
1. Loud people on small spaces

Six Things I Believe In
6. Ghosts
5. Vampires/ El Chupacabras
4. Auras/energies/vibes
3. Bad people never get what they deserve
2. My dad/mom are constantly spying one me
1. Dancing makes everthing better

Five Things I'm Afraid Of
5. Earthquakes
4. Bugs
3. Passing up the right guy because of my indecisiveness
2. Being raped/mugged
1. Failing/Disapointing my family

Four Favorite Items In My Room
4. All the shoes under my bed
3. Matsumoto and the Desktop (both from the VAIO family)
2. All the purses in my closet
1. All the knickknacks that remind me of people who like/love me

Three Things I Do Everyday
3. Rationalize staying in bed a bit longer
2. Check the same old webpages
1. Listen to music

Two Things I Want To Do Right Now
2. Take a shower and get pretty.
1. Call mah Besties

One Person I Wish I Could See Right Now
1. Mah Besties

**Rather than comment on yer entry... I have decided to post some of mah reactions to yer answers...

some of them made me laugh!! Hahaha

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
~ Too many flaws....
**Eww.... stfu... so not true**

How much cash do you have on you?
~ Ummm...$380 something? But then went to gas, food, stuff, and is for the rest of the week...for 4 peoples...
**Spending money on teh family is booo**

What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
~ BEST!!!!
**Yes that's true... it rhymes... hahaha**

Favorite Planet?
~ Earth...cuz we live on the damn thing.
**Hahaha I never even thought if Earth... mind went strainght to Pluto**

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
~ Alfonso
**c....r....e.....e....p....y....**

What is your favorite ringtone on your phone?
~ Chris Brown's verse on Shawty Get Loose!
**YAYAYAYYAYAYAY!!!**

What shirt are you wearing?
~ PJ shirt...
**comfy**

Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
~ Old Navy flip-flops
**comfy and budget friendly!!!!**

What do you think about the last person who took this survey?
~ I haven't seen the BESTIE in a while.....MISS her...and LOVE her!
**I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!**

What were you doing at midnight last night?
~ Watching Naruto! Dattebayo!
**I miss him**

What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
~ i miss you....when are you comin home?
**Shoot I miss you too.... lol**

Where is your nearest 7-11?
~ Ummm...at home....down the street. Here in Rosemead...down the street....lol! [I'm at my sister's house and been here for 2...going on 3 weeks!! *Sigh*]
**Let's get liqour.... and a slushie for you... haha**

What's a saying that you use a lot?
~ Ayyyy......
**ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...**

Last furry thing you touched?
~ My niece's stuffed elephant as I threw it across the room...lol
**that sounds cute, let's steal it**

How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
~ NONE!
**Hugs not drugs**

Favorite age you have been so far?
~ Eight.
**but I didn;t know u at 8... hahaha**

What is your current desktop picture?
~My computer: Baby Michael getting ready to land a BIG kiss on my cheeks. My niece's laptop...It's some type of drawing...of who knows what o.O [I'm on my niece's laptop.]
**If you let Echano on yer computer he'll put naked men on it... believe me... I know....*

What was the last thing you said to someone?
~ Goodnight sweetie! I lubs chus!
**sleeeeeeep is goooo0oo0o0oD**

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
~ The money.....I'm soooo broke....
**million dollars=lots of purses**

Do you like someone?
~ Yup...
**someone likes you tooooooo... a little too much...hahaha**

*******The end....******

And all it's suckiness... I filled out one of these thingies.

Life is boo... so here I go..

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Too little sleep.... too little sleep....

How much cash do you have on you?
Seven dollars and a chunk of change...

What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
Vest... as in the this is my lucky Test Vest.. it's plaid... lol

Favorite Planet?
Pluto... since it gut shunned... I still love you

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Besties

What is your favorite ring on your phone?
Narutooooooooooo!!

What shirt are you wearing?
Blue... with a whale and a heart...yay

Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
Flippy-flops... no brand...wait no... Roxy

What do you think about the last person who took this survey?
Don't know them

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading some stuff for mah abnormal psych class...

What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
We were discussing whether to tell someone that there is a misspelling on their tattoo....

Where is your nearest 7-11?
Not sure... I don't frequent the 7-11

What's a saying that you use a lot?
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Last furry thing you touched?
Blanket is soft.... but not furry

How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
Sigh.... none... lol

Favorite age you have been so far?
18

What is your current desktop picture?
Last Friends Cover... best Drama Evar

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Bye....

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
Money... what the hell will i do with the ability to fly?

Do you like someone?
Not anybody real...

The last song you listened to?
New Coldplay CD

Thoughts always keep me up.

It's sad but true. I can't stop thinking. And being here alone really isn't helping. Last night I was just sitting here and I just broke down and started crying. So much going through my head.

School:
Is majorly sucking. I love UCLA and being here is something amazing to me. But I think i might be time to accept the fact that it is time for me to leave. I've fucked up for the last time. I've been post-poning my trip to the counselors since Friday. I'm just afraid to face the facts. But I just have to do it.

Life in general:
I think I need to see a professional. A mental health professional. I've been feeling like this for a long time. I'm just dealing with too many things in my head. Something is holding me back in life, and I feel like they can help my figure out what. Deep inside I'm just a messed up kid.

I'm disappointed in myself and my appearance. I've never been a cute girl... but damn.... I am not something to look at. UGH... it gets me down.

I think I might have some serious health issues but I'm too afraid to find out what.

I try to think positive and change my life.... but then when I wake up in the morning, I just can't bring myself to do what I have to do. It just feels better to stay in the apartment and suck at life.

When will I get out of this slump?

It doesn't describe my life as of late, but as a whole.... I agree....

I wish my life was like this right now... it should be my mission to return to this state of being...

Click in the little button... you know you want to!!

I decided to make a list of things that I want to do. I feel like I haven't done much or gotten out lately so I figured I should write it down in an attempt to motivate myself.

-I wanna go to Disneyland. BADLY!! I have an annual pass that I rarely use and it's almost up!
-Go to the zoo. I LOVE animals... plus it's an awesome way to get excercise... walking all day
-Go to the Griffin Observatory. I used to go all the time as a little kid, I wanna go again.
-Huntington Library and Botanical Gardens. I love it! It's so pretty.
-Take a road trip up north
-Take a road trip down south (especially San Diego... I've never been!)
-Go to the Getty... and another art musuem
-Check out some more drinking venues
-Go to the aquarium
-See something at the Hollywood Bowl
-Go latin clubbing... I love that Spanish music
-Go regular clubbing... bc I love to get low...

There's just so many things that I want to do. So much money though. I just wanna get out and about!!!!

At least in terms of Naruto episodes....

Now I can only get my Naruto fix once a week. Boo... I gotta wait just like all the other people. Now what shall I do when I have time to kill? I guess I'll get into the Bleach, since I've been neglecting my love for a while now... and the story is starting to get good...

School is boo. I haven't been in some time now, and I know that it sucks, but I just don't want to. Last week was seriously the worst. I think I left my apartment once and that was to go to work and I only stayed for a couple of hourse before I got all bleh and headed home. Class.... none....

Mostly I feel bad because I had a lot of things that I needed to do for work and I didn't do any of them. I don't know what I'm going to tell my boss..... I guess I gotta just tell her that I didn't have the time.... boo... I feel bad that I'm gonna dissappoint her, she's a good boss and I love my job.

And I have a final on Thursday, that I definitely have not started studying for. And I REALLY need to.... really....

and then I'm also worried about my finances over the summer. AY..... this summer will be stressful rather than sunny.... boo... I think I have to work a LOT just to make sure that I can keep up with the finances and I have to make sure I do well in school all while tryin to hang out with people, because I know that summer is the best time to hang out with these people (especially since it seems likes I'll be the only one who is still in school)....

I've some to the realization that I am ok with failure. It's sad, I know. But I'm sitting here, and I have a midterm tommorow at 9:30 am, and I haven't studied AT ALL, and I couldn't be more calm and relaxed....

I swear I'm dead inside.

I don't want to sleep so here...


1. If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
That thing that you use to beat eggs.... eggy beater...not the electric kind....

2. Did you ever swallow a coin?
-Gross...them things are germy

3. What was the worst gift you've ever received?
-Seriouly...this ugly ass necklace...it was soooooooooo bad

4. What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
One time my dad pulled my hair in public....

5. How many kids do you want?
Eh.... don't care

6. Whats your moms middle name?
Emilia... therefore my daughters anme shall be Emmi

7. Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
I always wanted to...while riding a chair with wheels...and then RACE!!

8. Worst car you ever had to drive and why?
Ummm... I haven't driven that many cars... and I loves Ms. Lopez

9. who do you hate?
That bitch

10. what do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
I really need a man...and some decent grades

11. do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
I have one crazy fun aunt... everything with her is a dirty joke and she loves to dance

12. Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
OMG! yes... that shit is STRONG!!

13. Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
Nah

14. Did you own a Lite-Brite?
OMG YES!!! I had the OG one... and then Bryen got me a new one!!

15. Can you dive?
Speed Demon

16. Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
My flute has a mouthpiece.... but i don't play it anymore

18. Have you ever used a pogo stick?
Nah.... I'm clumsy

19. Who was the most creative bum you've ever met, trying to get some money from you?
Bums scare me...

20. Whats your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
No thnxs on the jelly beans

21. favorite food you CRAVEEE?
thai

22. When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
Ew nevah...gots to keep it clean

23. Did you ever use someone else's toothbrush?
I'm sure at some point I did...

24. Do you REALLY floss everyday?
SIgh... no... but i should

25. what is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Ralph by Ralph Lauren

26. If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
No..I'm fat... I need truth

27. What's the largest living organism that you killed?
Bug...

28. Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
I've never even seen a lightning bug.... sigh

29. What's the best toy you've ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
Something Disney related...

30. if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
In Japan... being awesome

31. Can you juggle?
Nope...

32. how do you feel right now?
Listless

33. Do you remember that square candy bar called "Chunky"?
I don't do candy

34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
Long enough to be FANTASTIC!!

35. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
Treehouse

36. are you willing to go the distance?
For some people

37. Did you answer question 17?
I answer dem all.... motherfucker....